The letter that started it all

Dear Jewish People:

Each year, at parshas v'yatze, the Jewish boys and girls all come running home with Rashi's story: "Leah cried day and night. Leah cried day and night. Boo hoo hoo."

But don't you pious people do shnayim mikra v'echad targum? And doesn't the targum (Onkelos) translate the verse about my eyes this way: "And the eyes of Leah were beautiful."

Why yes, I think it does.

So why isn't this more positive view in circulation? Why am I remembered as the bible's Moaning Myrtle instead of as the chick with the drop -dead gorgeous eyes?

Also, I know you shrewd Jewish businessman prefer to think of Jacob's scheme with the sheep as the archetype example of Jewish cunning. And yes that was a pretty neat swindle. But how about my acquiring a night of hot love for the price of some lousy flowers?

That doesn't impress you?

Yours Sincerely,
Leah,
Wife of Jacob, Matriarch

Rachel Responds

Dearest Leah,

You're forgetting that our husband is a Brisker Lamdan. 29:17 "The eyes of Leah were tender, Rochel was of beautiful form and of beautiful appearence."

"Rakkos" isn't a word usually associated with beauty, whereas by me, the standard terms of beauty were used.

"Mashmah", that the Torah is indicating a message here. But don't feel bad, dearie. Because the message is positive, that you did not wish to marry the evil Esav.

Now, no doubt, that if our good friend Dovbear would've been around, he would have calmed you that Esov wasn't so evil afterall. But alas, your tears weren't in vain, as indeed you ended up marrying Yakkov before me, and you had children while I couldn't. So go tell all those bad B.T.A. Apikorsim, that they should stop mocking the prayers and tears of the Jewish people.

Yours sincerely,
Your younger sister,
Rachel, Wife of Jacob,Matriarch

Rochel 12.01.06 - 11:41 am #

Leah takes off the gloves

Dearest Rachel,

Why do you prepetrate the lie that I spent all my time crying? You were there. You saw. You know it isn't true.

Also, what's this invented nonsense about me being destined to marry Eisav? When in the Torah do you see cousins being matched up that way? It never happened, and until we met by the Jabbok river, I had never even heard of Esav, (but what a nice guy he turned out to be giving Yaakov, what Shimon Bar Yochai called a real and genuine hug.)

You, Rachel, were never ever that nice to me, and all I stole from you was a guy. Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright And Esva forgave him all the same.

Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort but I am here today to tell you that it isn't necessary the truth, no matter what Morah Sarah taught you in pre-1A (and thank goodness to DovBear and Samsom Repahael Hirsh for setting the record straight!)

Love your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.

Leah, Wife of Jacob, etc.
Leah, Mother of Six Sons

Sarah Enters the Fray

Kinderlach, kinderlach, please don’t argue. After all my grandson Yaakov had his hand full with the both of you. You should have appreciated everything he did for you. Leah my kiynd, those children should have kept you busy, why were you “going out” so much; and Dina followed in your footsteps. You see what happened. Rachel my kiynd, now you are crying for all your grandchildren who are lost on the way. Now you know what crying means. But my taireh maidela your day is coming when your dear Yosef who once saved your kinderlach from the Mitzriim will return as our long-awaited Moshiach ben Yosef and finally bring us all back to our Father Above.

Listen to the wisdom of your Bubby.
Bubby, Sarah Imeinu | | Email | 12.01.06 - 12:21 pm | #

Rachel spits back

You, Rachel, were never ever that nice to me, and all I stole from you was a guy.

How ungrateful of you. Could you imagine the shame and embarresment had I not shared with you the "secret codes"? And it was I who took care of Daddy's sheep, while you stayed at home. Yes, it was I who met him at the well, and then you dare steal him from me?!?

Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright

That monstrous lentil fresser didn't deserve it.

And Esva forgave him all the same.

Silly, did you see with how much Yakkov bribed his idiot brother?

Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort.

Its a true one also. That's why you didn't take Daddy's sheep out. You were too embarressed to be seen like that.

Love your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.

Ha! They all came bowing like humble slaves to my Yosse'le.
Rochel

How ungrateful of you. Could you imagine the shame and embarresment had I not shared with you the "secret codes"? And it was I who took care of Daddy's sheep, while you stayed at home. Yes, it was I who met him at the well, and then you dare steal him from me?!?

I didn't steal him from you. Daddy thought it was best for me to maary him first. And don't give me any jive about secret codes. Your friends among the Sages invented that one, too. Look at the verses. Our case is a direct parralel to how Yaakov tricked Yitzchak. There were no codes them - Yitzchak was fooled because he was blind - and there were no codes with use either (Yaakov was fooled because it was dark.)

Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright
That monstrous lentil fresser didn't deserve it.

Says you. Our sainted father-in-law seemed to think he had some good in him. And the Sages did too (at least the ones who lived before Rome did)

And Esva forgave him all the same.
Silly, did you see with how much Yakkov bribed his idiot brother?

It was just a gift. Yaakov, in his later life, was such a suck-up. The man I married was a wrestler, a fighter, but after that emasculating meeting with Esav he became such a wimp. Reuven stole his concubine, Shimon and Levi over ruled his authority and attacked Shkem. Etc. Not the man I married at all.

Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort.

Its a true one also. That's why you didn't take Daddy's sheep out. You were too embarressed to be seen like that.

No, I stayed home because I was [a good proper bas yisroel. Unlike you]. Lavan had sons. Why didn't they take the sheep out? Why did you run to play with the shepherds? And I bet you liked it when Yaakov kissed you EVEN BEOFRE YOUR FIRST DATE. What a zona you are.

Love your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.
Ha! They all came bowing like humble slaves to my Yosse'le.

At least my precious sons didn't have to sit in jail, or live like a goy in Egypt.

Leah,
MOTHER OF ISRAEL

PS: I didn't cry over Esav, because I had no idea the guy even existed. Cousins don't get married off like that. It never happened anywhere else in the whole Torah (and even if this strange one of a kind deal was planned, once Esav married TWICE the deal was off!)To sum up: My eyes were hot, not tender. And Rachel, my little whiny man-stealing sister was a zona.

Leah, on her behavior

Sorry, she's the one playing with shepherds and kissing strangers, but I'm the one who "went out too much?" -- Leah

Rochel replies

Sorry, she's the one playing with shepherds and kissing strangers,
You're just jealous cause no one wants to kiss you.

but I'm the one who "went out too much?"
A gross understatement. It was your Dina'la who "went out" just like you and you know the rest...

Rochel 12.01.06 - 12:56 pm #

And pours on the bile

I didn't steal him from you. Daddy thought it was best for me to maary him first.

I knew you had no confidence. I accuse you of stealing my boy, and you blame it on Daddy.

And don't give me any jive about secret codes. Your friends among the Sages invented that one, too. Look at the verses. Our case is a direct parralel to how Yaakov tricked Yitzchak. There were no codes them - Yitzchak was fooled because he was blind - and there were no codes with use either (Yaakov was fooled because it was dark.)

Of course you're denying the codes. You're daddy's daughter after all.

Says you. Our sainted father-in-law seemed to think he had some good in him. And the Sages did too (at least the ones who lived before Rome did)

Of course he had "some" good in him. Or Aunt Rivka would have never allowed him to keep his coat in her house.

It was just a gift. Yaakov, in his later life, was such a suck-up.

A gift?!? Gosh. "Ki Hashochad Ye'aver" must really be true.

The man I married was a wrestler, a fighter, but after that emasculating meeting with Esav he became such a wimp.

That's what happens when you start up with gods angels.

Reuven stole his concubine,

And paid dearly for it.

Shimon and Levi over ruled his authority and attacked Shkem. Etc. Not the man I married at all.

Shame on you. While you were blogging "Chilul Hashem!" They took revenge for your daughters sake.

No, I stayed home because I was proper bas yisroel. unlike you.

There you go again, insulting me as usual.

Lavan had sons. Why didn't they take the sheep out?

'cause they were busy pirating their stolen Gods.

Why did you run to play with the shepherds?

Those b*st*rds. They made me wait for hours to drink the sheep.

And I bet you liked it when Yaakov kissed you EVEN BEOFRE YOUR FIRST DATE.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S.

What a zona you are.

Rather a whore than a cheat.

Rochel

Rochel on Esav

Don't you know that my evil BIL took a third wife at 40 years old to make believe he's a frummer?

Like the closet Kofrim who go to shul friday night with a T-shirt under their Bekesheh, then they tell their wives they're going "Tzu Ah Zuchor", then they pack the shtreimel and Bekesheh in the locker room and take the D train?

And what makes you think that Esov wasn't going to marry Leah? Don't you think that he would of blindly trusted Dovbear that Leah was pretty when I know the truth that she cried her eyes out?

Rochel

..causing Esav to enter the fray

Don't you know that my evil BIL took a third wife at 40 years old to make believe he's a frummer?

Ha! Yaakov knew that our father loved me because of the food, so what does he do in the very next verse? HE MAKES A STEW.

What a suck up he was even then.

Esav

Rochel responds again

At least my precious sons didn't have to sit in jail, or live like a goy in Egypt.

Silly, your boys were ready to MURDER my Yosse'le. And you should of seen how white they were when my Yosse'le was sitting on the throne and told them who he was.

Cousins don't get married off like that.

Zeidy Avrohom married his niece. Our schver Yitzchok married his first cousin once removed. Accordingly, us two sisters would marry our two male cousins, no?

To sum up: My eyes were hot, not tender.

Hot tears. Yeah.

And Rachel, my little whiny man-stealing sister was a zona.

I'll let that stand to show everyone your true colors.

Rochel

An appeal from the mother-in-law

my beautifull daughters-in-law, must you fight all the time? your driving my sunshine to his grave!I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?

Rivkah

P.S.Also, what's this invented nonsense about me being destined to marry Eisav? When in the Torah do you see cousins being matched up that way?

To whom did you think we planned to marry Eisav off? To the girls around the corner? To the daughter of my no-good hunter brother-in-law? If only Eisav had married one of the daughters of my civilized town-dweller brother, maybe he, too, would have gone into livestock. Marrying a cousin worked out for me.

Your loving shvigger,

Logic from Leah

Zeidy Avrohom married his niece. Our schver Yitzchok married his first cousin once removed. Accordingly, us two sisters would marry our two male cousins, no?

No. Yaakov should have married his neice or his first cousin once removed. And Yishmael, and Nachor didn't marry cousins, so why would Esav?

Leah

PS: See even our MIL says I am beautiful, and that's after SIX count em SIX sons!!!

Here comes Hagar

And Yishmael, and Nachor didn't marry cousins, so why would Esav?

What, do you think I would have married off my successful, handsome hunter son to an Egyptian commoner?

Hagar, Princess of Egypt

...and she gets smacked down

There you go again Hagar, with your haughty attitude. Who said you were a princess? You sure didn't look like a princess scrubbing my floors!!

Sarah

Rachel asks

>I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?

WHO?WHO?

You sent him to marry who?!? [Hint: Me]

Rachel

Leah answers

>I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?You sent him to marry who?!?

ME!!!!! ME ME ME

Leah

Rivkah reveals all

well, at first I thought asaiv might have benifited from sweet leah. however by the time he was about 40 i'm not exactly sure i would have entrusted him with a dog, much less my beloved neice

Rivkah

...and gets her head bitten off

Beloved neice? You never called. You never wrote. I got zip from you at holiday time. You didn't even show up at the wedding! And now I'm "beloved?"

Too little too late, MIL.

Leah

Lavan: "I had no choice!"

didn't that swindler yaakov buy the bride when he baught the esav's rights?I had to give leah to him!

lavan

Why she missed the wedding

travel was expensive dearie, besides I can't stand my wretched brother.

Rivkah

Esav: Here's what really happened!

didn't that swindler yaakov buy the bride when he baught the esav's rights?

I sold him no birthright! I distinctly heard him say "Sell me your first fruits", and when he agreed, I thought, "Sucker! I don't even own any trees!"

Eisav, Firstborn

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always were a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Rivkah

Look at you lecturing me! Not only did you worship idols, you stole them, and then lied about it! I never mistreated MY father that way

Esav

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always where a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Hey, don't make fun of dad like that!

Lavan

>I never mistreated MY father that way.

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?

Eisav

>I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?

See what a putz you are? You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.

Rivka

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

Who says he made it for Yitzchak? And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me

Esav

You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.

Antics? I killed Nimrod; I should have gotten a medal for that.

Esav

Eisav didn't kill me. More rabbinical nonsense. You Jews say the Torah is your holiest book, but you don't even pay attention to what it says! What would I, a king from BAVEL be doing in a backwater like Canaan? Puh lease.

Nimrod

Can I just point our one last time that I had SIX SONS.

SIX

Rachel had two, like the slave girls.
But I had SIX

SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Leah

But I had SIX
SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Boy, are you in for a lot of disappointment...

Penina, wife of Elkana

Leah, sweetie, having many children is no guarantee of love from your husband, as you well know. However, it does give you a lot to kvell about! (unless they turn out rotten, which can happen... oops, sorry, sore subject.)

Her Majesty Queen Victoria

I gave my husband Zalman Mudcha 16 fine Satmar kids, but still he spends all day in the mikva and the bes midrash and never picks up a drop around the house.

Men.

Shprintza Bayel

For the record, I did sexually boycott Leah, and I am sure you can see why

Yankuf

So how come when I boycotted Tamar everyone got bent out of shape?

Onan

So how come when I boycotted Tamar everyone got bent out of shape?

Onan

Don't sweat it. I sexually boycotted Yocheved, too,

Amram

>Who says he made it for Yitzchak?
Get a new memory card, idiot. You stomped into your mothers house with such a huff and puff, you couldn't even talk. All you managed to blurt out was: Gimme... that... Red... Thing....

>And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me.

Ha! When it comes to you fressing, you say - "I made a square deal". And when you stand like a loser in front of your Daddy, you Cried! YES! You cried like a baby that my husband ripped you off twice.

TWICE?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "SQUARE DEAL"????

Rochel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oy! this family is meshuggah!!!
Yosef

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosef sweetie, you aughtn't be talking. You are the one who decided to tell your brothers about those dreams after being told that it would be better not to.
Rivkah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oy! this family is meshuggah!
The kind of talk will get you tossed in a pit. DOn't disrespect the family.
Yehuda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Children! Please! This kind of fighting between siblings leads to no good. I should know.
Chava

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chava, if you could follow orders,mankind wouldn't be in this mess.
Hashem Elokim

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.
Chava

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.

I created you at the same time as I created Adam. Don't play that.
Hashem Elokim

Leah,

I thought about what you accused my husband, that he kissed me even before our first date.

I realized, that the Torah got messed up by men.

29:10 says: "Va-yashk es tzon lovon" - and yakkov gave to drink the sheep of lovon.
29:11 was suppposed to read: "Va-yashk yakkov l'rochel" - and yakkov offered rochel a drink too.

But sometime ago, some modern bums were looking for a heter to kiss their girlfriends. So they changed "Va-yashk" to "Vayi-shak". Thus, if the holy yakkov could kiss rochel, so could they.

Rochel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, that's actualy Rabbi David Weiss Halivny's theory, and there is even more evidence out there that he is right. Take my story. I appear once, when Eliezer arrives, but I am not there where he leaves the next day. Therefore the Rabbi's concluded that I died overnight. Worse, they say I die because my plan to kill Eliezer backfired.

This is wrong. I was dead long before Eliezer showed up. We know this because the verse says Rivka went to her MOTHER'S house, and because Lavan and their mother do all the talking. The one time I appear the verbs (v'yaan and omr) are singular, even though two of us (me and Lavan) are supposedly doing the talking. Clearly and obviously that one appearence of mine is a scribal error; someone dropped my name into the verse, and because of it the rabbis wasted so much ink making up stories.

Bethuel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ta, you really have been drinking and partying to much. You and your son are two peas in a pod. Thank g-d eliezer took me out of there, I would have gone crazy!

Rivkah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>The one time I appear the verbs (v'yaan and omr) are singular,

Shtussim. It says v'yaan and vayomRU. v'yaan is singular 'cause lovon was a chupinyak and answered before his father. I should of killed him too, but then you would all miss out on the fun yakkov had with him later on.

I personaly killed Bethuel. Serves him right for wanting to kill eliezer.

maloch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i'm so glad you did.

And on that day I dressed in white and celebrated as everyone celebrates the death of a relative whos a rasha.
Rivkah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Serves him right for wanting to kill eliezer

I figured that was the only way to shut him up. I mean, we all saw over the closed-circuit camera what happened at the well. Do we really have to hear it all over again?
Besuel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shtussim. It says v'yaan and vayomRU. v'yaan is singular 'cause lovon was a chupinyak and answered before his father. I should of killed him too, but then you would all miss out on the fun yakkov had with him later on.

The vov belongs to the next word shegetx, and the "vayaan" shows I was droped in later. No angel killed me. I wasn't there!
Bethuel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ta, i think you forgot you medicine.
Rivkah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is this "ta" stuff. Did I speak Yiddish?
Bethuel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>The vov belongs to the next word shegetx, and the "vayaan" shows I was droped in later. No angel killed me. I wasn't there!

Yes you were there, you illiterate putz. According to your distorted reading, it would have said: v'yaan lovon vayomar, U'may'hashem yotzo hadovor. Why **U**'may'hashem?? Even big bad lovon didn't have such bad grammar. Also, "lo NUchal daber" is plural, according to you, it should have said "lo Uchal daber".

'fess up. You were there and I eliminated you.
maloch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't there. That's why it says Rikky went to her MOTHER's house. And why dies it say Vayaan, if both of us spoke? (Nuchal means the households, brothers, too, were talking to her)
Bethuel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yo, I am the one who offed Betuel. ME. I killed him the night Eliezer slept over. I don't know what this maloch crap is all about. I'm the guy who did it. Seriously.
Vinny the Camal Bookie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>I wasn't there. That's why it says Rikky went to her MOTHER's house.
Because that's where little girls run to. To their mommy. But I went to my Daddy 'cause yaakov said he is my Daddy's brother.

>And why dies it say Vayaan, if both of us spoke?

maloch answered that. 'cause my Daddy was a chutzpinik and spoke before Bethuel.

>(Nuchal means the households, brothers, too, were talking to her)

Households? Brothers? what brothers? What you talkin about?
Rochel

(sniff) I thought this thread was going to be about me. (sniff) (SOB)

(w
a
i
l)

Moaning Myrtle |