Esav: Here's what really happened!

didn't that swindler yaakov buy the bride when he baught the esav's rights?

I sold him no birthright! I distinctly heard him say "Sell me your first fruits", and when he agreed, I thought, "Sucker! I don't even own any trees!"

Eisav, Firstborn

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always were a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Rivkah

Look at you lecturing me! Not only did you worship idols, you stole them, and then lied about it! I never mistreated MY father that way

Esav

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always where a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Hey, don't make fun of dad like that!

Lavan

>I never mistreated MY father that way.

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?

Eisav

>I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?

See what a putz you are? You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.

Rivka

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

Who says he made it for Yitzchak? And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me

Esav

You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.

Antics? I killed Nimrod; I should have gotten a medal for that.

Esav

Eisav didn't kill me. More rabbinical nonsense. You Jews say the Torah is your holiest book, but you don't even pay attention to what it says! What would I, a king from BAVEL be doing in a backwater like Canaan? Puh lease.

Nimrod

Can I just point our one last time that I had SIX SONS.

SIX

Rachel had two, like the slave girls.
But I had SIX

SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Leah

But I had SIX
SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Boy, are you in for a lot of disappointment...

Penina, wife of Elkana

Leah, sweetie, having many children is no guarantee of love from your husband, as you well know. However, it does give you a lot to kvell about! (unless they turn out rotten, which can happen... oops, sorry, sore subject.)

Her Majesty Queen Victoria

I gave my husband Zalman Mudcha 16 fine Satmar kids, but still he spends all day in the mikva and the bes midrash and never picks up a drop around the house.

Men.

Shprintza Bayel

For the record, I did sexually boycott Leah, and I am sure you can see why

Yankuf

So how come when I boycotted Tamar everyone got bent out of shape?

Onan

So how come when I boycotted Tamar everyone got bent out of shape?

Onan

Don't sweat it. I sexually boycotted Yocheved, too,

Amram

>Who says he made it for Yitzchak?
Get a new memory card, idiot. You stomped into your mothers house with such a huff and puff, you couldn't even talk. All you managed to blurt out was: Gimme... that... Red... Thing....

>And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me.

Ha! When it comes to you fressing, you say - "I made a square deal". And when you stand like a loser in front of your Daddy, you Cried! YES! You cried like a baby that my husband ripped you off twice.

TWICE?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "SQUARE DEAL"????

Rochel

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oy! this family is meshuggah!!!
Yosef

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Yosef sweetie, you aughtn't be talking. You are the one who decided to tell your brothers about those dreams after being told that it would be better not to.
Rivkah

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oy! this family is meshuggah!
The kind of talk will get you tossed in a pit. DOn't disrespect the family.
Yehuda

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Children! Please! This kind of fighting between siblings leads to no good. I should know.
Chava

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Chava, if you could follow orders,mankind wouldn't be in this mess.
Hashem Elokim

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Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.
Chava

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Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.

I created you at the same time as I created Adam. Don't play that.
Hashem Elokim

Leah,

I thought about what you accused my husband, that he kissed me even before our first date.

I realized, that the Torah got messed up by men.

29:10 says: "Va-yashk es tzon lovon" - and yakkov gave to drink the sheep of lovon.
29:11 was suppposed to read: "Va-yashk yakkov l'rochel" - and yakkov offered rochel a drink too.

But sometime ago, some modern bums were looking for a heter to kiss their girlfriends. So they changed "Va-yashk" to "Vayi-shak". Thus, if the holy yakkov could kiss rochel, so could they.

Rochel

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Hello, that's actualy Rabbi David Weiss Halivny's theory, and there is even more evidence out there that he is right. Take my story. I appear once, when Eliezer arrives, but I am not there where he leaves the next day. Therefore the Rabbi's concluded that I died overnight. Worse, they say I die because my plan to kill Eliezer backfired.

This is wrong. I was dead long before Eliezer showed up. We know this because the verse says Rivka went to her MOTHER'S house, and because Lavan and their mother do all the talking. The one time I appear the verbs (v'yaan and omr) are singular, even though two of us (me and Lavan) are supposedly doing the talking. Clearly and obviously that one appearence of mine is a scribal error; someone dropped my name into the verse, and because of it the rabbis wasted so much ink making up stories.

Bethuel
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ta, you really have been drinking and partying to much. You and your son are two peas in a pod. Thank g-d eliezer took me out of there, I would have gone crazy!

Rivkah

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>The one time I appear the verbs (v'yaan and omr) are singular,

Shtussim. It says v'yaan and vayomRU. v'yaan is singular 'cause lovon was a chupinyak and answered before his father. I should of killed him too, but then you would all miss out on the fun yakkov had with him later on.

I personaly killed Bethuel. Serves him right for wanting to kill eliezer.

maloch

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and i'm so glad you did.

And on that day I dressed in white and celebrated as everyone celebrates the death of a relative whos a rasha.
Rivkah

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Serves him right for wanting to kill eliezer

I figured that was the only way to shut him up. I mean, we all saw over the closed-circuit camera what happened at the well. Do we really have to hear it all over again?
Besuel

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Shtussim. It says v'yaan and vayomRU. v'yaan is singular 'cause lovon was a chupinyak and answered before his father. I should of killed him too, but then you would all miss out on the fun yakkov had with him later on.

The vov belongs to the next word shegetx, and the "vayaan" shows I was droped in later. No angel killed me. I wasn't there!
Bethuel

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Ta, i think you forgot you medicine.
Rivkah

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What is this "ta" stuff. Did I speak Yiddish?
Bethuel

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>The vov belongs to the next word shegetx, and the "vayaan" shows I was droped in later. No angel killed me. I wasn't there!

Yes you were there, you illiterate putz. According to your distorted reading, it would have said: v'yaan lovon vayomar, U'may'hashem yotzo hadovor. Why **U**'may'hashem?? Even big bad lovon didn't have such bad grammar. Also, "lo NUchal daber" is plural, according to you, it should have said "lo Uchal daber".

'fess up. You were there and I eliminated you.
maloch

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I wasn't there. That's why it says Rikky went to her MOTHER's house. And why dies it say Vayaan, if both of us spoke? (Nuchal means the households, brothers, too, were talking to her)
Bethuel

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Yo, I am the one who offed Betuel. ME. I killed him the night Eliezer slept over. I don't know what this maloch crap is all about. I'm the guy who did it. Seriously.
Vinny the Camal Bookie

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>I wasn't there. That's why it says Rikky went to her MOTHER's house.
Because that's where little girls run to. To their mommy. But I went to my Daddy 'cause yaakov said he is my Daddy's brother.

>And why dies it say Vayaan, if both of us spoke?

maloch answered that. 'cause my Daddy was a chutzpinik and spoke before Bethuel.

>(Nuchal means the households, brothers, too, were talking to her)

Households? Brothers? what brothers? What you talkin about?
Rochel